


Some Observations on Fairies - by Patchouli Knowledge

by UnmovingGreatLibrary



Category: Touhou Project
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-04
Updated: 2017-02-04
Packaged: 2018-09-22 01:31:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9575894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnmovingGreatLibrary/pseuds/UnmovingGreatLibrary
Summary: A case study by Patchouli, documenting a normal day for a group of fairies: After learning that Clownpiece has never seen candy before, the Fairies of Light decide to rob a candy shop.





	1. Chapter 1

**Introduction**

In order to understand why the study of fairies is such a neglected field, there is no example more illustrative than that of the medieval scholar Alonso de Molina.

Alonso de Molina was widely known for his far-reaching travels, on which he extensively documented the local fairy populations. In 1347 AD, a battered diary of his travels in Morocco, his last known written record, turned up in the private collection of the magician Marwan ibn Moussa al-Tunisi. The diary was written in High Agarthan, a notoriously difficult language, but Marwan al-Tunisi nonetheless began a translation. When he reached the final entry two years later, he translated it as, "By the evil works of spirits, I have been undone. Sand fills the crevasse; never again will I know peace." On the strength of this single account, it was widely agreed that Molina had gotten trapped in a valley when a vengeful ghost triggered a landslide, and had died there of dehydration.

It was not until centuries later that a skilled linguist, Nadezhda Constantinovna, attempted a new translation of the travel diary. She discovered that Marwan al-Tunisi's translation, while mostly accurate, had struggled with nuance and metaphor. The word that he had translated as 'spirits,' for example, was more widely used to mean 'fairies' in several dialects. Further, 'crevasse' was a widely-used double entendre in Agarthan. What had been formerly identified as a dying man's last note was now reinterpreted: The fairies that Molina was studying had stolen his undergarments, and he was complaining about getting sand into uncomfortable parts of his anatomy. It is now believed that he died of unrelated causes, nearly a decade later.

Such are the risks faced by anyone who chooses to study fairies. It is not a glamorous field. There are no secrets of the universe to be learned from it. No magician has ever found a path to immortality from it. The research subjects are mischievous and rude. Even when they cooperate, they can be difficult to observe for prolonged periods of time. When they don't cooperate, they're so annoying that several naturalists have had to abandon years-long fairy observation projects after getting into fistfights with their research subjects.

Yet, I maintain that fairy studies are an important and underappreciated field of magical research. Fairies form the underpinnings of many natural processes. Fairies are often used as servants or familiars by young magicians, who must know what to expect. If nothing else, fairies are a common annoyance when doing fieldwork, and any knowledge that might make it easier to chase them off is welcome.

To that end, in this paper I will be examining a sample group of fairies in their normal day-to-day affairs. I will demonstrate that their behavior often follows simple rules that make their actions easy to predict, and will offer further insight on the ways and means of fairies.

* * *

**Methodology**

"Master," said one of the lesser devils that I have bound into my service, when I first mentioned my intent to study fairies, "if you want to watch some fairies, there are plenty around the mansion."

This observation is foolish and incorrect, of course, but even such a wrongheaded idea qualifies as lofty thought coming from a lesser devil. I thanked her for her input and sent her to fetch me a fresh cup of coffee, so that I could have peace for the two hours that such a menial task would doubtlessly take her.

It is true that I have a large supply of fairies available for study within the walls of my residence. However, as any true naturalist knows, a creature's behavior is much changed outside of its native habitat. For this endeavor, only wild fairies would be suitable. Furthermore, as fairies are inclined to meddle with observers, I needed to watch them without making my presence known. For these reasons, I performed my observations remotely through a 5:2-keyed hermeneutic scrying pool made of refined mercury, enchanted in the tradition of Second Revival Onmyoudo. As creating such a device is trivial, I will not go into the steps to reproduce it here.

For research subjects, I chose a notoriously active group of fairies from nearby. This group is formed of three fairies. These fairies, their classifications, and their abilities are:

  * **Sunny Milk** _(Daemonium solarium)_ \- a sunlight fairy with the ability to refract light, mainly to hide herself from view.
  * **Star Sapphire** _(Daemonium sidereum)_ \- a starlight fairy with the ability to sense nearby living creatures.
  * **Luna Child** _(Daemonium lunare)_ \- a moonlight fairy with the ability to silence nearby sounds.



These three fairies compose a stable group that has been together for several years. Due to their association with celestial bodies, they refer to themselves as the Fairies of Light. To distinguish this phrase from the light fairy _(Daemonium nitidum)_ variety, I will capitalize it.

Two more fairies soon became involved, and were recorded in my observations. These fairies were:

  * **Clownpiece** _(Daemonium infernale)_ \- a Hell fairy with the ability to induce madness in humans. I have yet to determine why a Hell fairy would decide to live so far from her natural habitat.
  * **Cirno** _(Daemonium gelidum)_ \- an ice fairy with simple ice manipulation abilities, of poor reputation and even worse judgment. For more information, please see my 2014 paper,  Ice Fairies of Central Japan: Louder and Stupider.



The period of observation began on December 21, 2016. On December 28, the incidents that are documented in this report began, ending at 6:42 PM on December 29.

* * *

The late morning of December 28 was not an eventful time for the Fairies of Light. Over the preceding week, they had conducted seventeen snowball fights. They had taken advantage of Cirno's seasonal abilities to play several pranks. They had built an assortment of snowmen, snowladies, and snowchildren at various points across the countryside, along with a snowbear with walnuts for eyes. They had attempted to achieve escape velocity by sledding down a mountainside in stolen wash basins, after thoroughly misunderstanding a magazine article about the Apollo flights.

In a single week, they had done practically everything that three fairies could hope to achieve in one winter. The only problem was, it wasn't even January yet.

Sunny collapsed face-first onto the ground, sending a powder cloud of snow sparkling into the air. “This sucks,” she whined. “There has to be something we can do today!”

“We could go visit the shrine,” Star suggested. She had taken a seat against the base of the tree that served as their home, sipping on a cup of sake. She had managed to sneak the last bottle of their sake supply out of their hideout, and was eagerly downing it in an apparent attempt to finish it herself before the other two caught on.”There might be something fun going on.”

“We can't go to the shrine,” Luna said. She was seated on a nearby rock, trying her best to focus on a book despite Sunny's complaints. “Reimu is still mad after last time.”

Star pouted. “I thought the snowmaiden we made for her was cute.”

“I mean the time before that. With the pitfall.”

“Oh! Right. Humans can really hold a grudge, huh?” Star filled her cup again. A quarter of the sake had already disappeared down her throat.

“Oh!” Sunny bolted up to sitting, raising another cloud of snow. “We haven't visited Alice in a long time! Maybe she'd give us snacks.”

“Didn't a bunch of dolls with swords chase us off the last time we went there?”

“Oh, yeah...” Sunny sighed and collapsed to the ground in defeat. For a few minutes, everything was quiet apart from the occasional soft sipping noise coming from Star's direction.

“Arrrgh! This sucks!” Sunny squealed again, twice as loudly as the first time. “We can't just spend all day laying around doing nothing!”

“We could read,” Luna said.

Sunny shot her a glare indicating that that wasn't an option. If Luna noticed it over the edge of her book, she didn't give any sign of it.

* * *

It is no secret that fairies require constant stimulation, but I feel that contemporary studies have underestimated just how deeply this motivation runs.

For example, It has been observed that an average fairy spends 84% of her waking time on entertainment or leisure, and the other 16% of her time eating.

This figure is incorrect. As fairies are spirits, they don't need to eat to survive. Fairies will even abstain from eating if they can't find food that they like, or at least some liquor to go with their meal. Fairies eat primarily for enjoyment, so in fact, one could say that entertainment is their sole motivation.

This has broad implications that I will examine later.

* * *

Before the three could settle on a plan, an obnoxious shout pierced the winter air. “HEY! YOU FAIRIES!”

All three looked up from what they were doing, but no apparent speaker was visible. The clearing around their tree was empty, with only a few brave midwinter squirrels darting around the edges. I would be remiss if I didn't note that Sunny watched them suspiciously, as if considering the possibility that one of them had shouted.

“What was that?” Luna asked, glancing to Star.

“I didn't feel anybody approaching,” Star said with a shrug.

“Maybe it was a ghost or something,” Sunny said, with the first hints of excitement in her voice.

Luna's gaze settled on the bottle in Star's lap. “Hey, isn't that our last bottle of sa—“

Before she could finish the sentence, a red-blue streak flashed down from the heavens like a meteor, slamming into the ground barely a meter in front of her. A shockwave of snow blasted out, leaving her sputtering. At the point of impact was Clownpiece, with her arms outstretched from the landing and an annoyed look on her face. “You shouldn't ignore people, you know!”

“We weren't ignoring you,” Luna said. “We didn't even know where you were.”

“Yeah, Star didn't even feel you.” Sunny leaned forward, peering at Clownpiece. “You didn't learn to turn invisible too, did you?” she asked suspiciously.

“Huh? No. I was on top of that tree up there.” Clownpiece straightened up, proudly crossing her arms in front of her chest. “I ran all the way here across the treetops!”

“Across the treetops?” Star poured herself another cup of sake. The bottle's contents had already passed the halfway point, and she had a warm glow to her cheeks. “That's kind of a weird way to get around.”

“What's the point of having all these trees everywhere if you're not going to use them? Besides, ever since it got cold, they're no fun to look at anymore.”

“That's just what happens during winter,” Luna said. “You get used to it.”

“Maybe, but I still think it's boring.”

“So, wait!” Sunny exclaimed, nearly cutting her off. She lunged forward, beaming up at Clownpiece from her kneeling position. “If you're here, that must mean you have something exciting going on, right?!”

“Huh? Not really. I just wanted to make you guys answer a question.”

“Oh...”

“What's the question?” Star asked.

Clownpiece whirled on her. “What the heck do you eat when the weather's like this?!”

“... huh?”

“Food! I was eating berries and things before, but I can't find any!” The few squirrels that hadn't already vacated the clearing now fled in the face of Clownpiece's outburst. After a few shakes of her fists, she collapsed forward to lay in the snow next to Sunny. “All I can find are roots and stuff! Boring! They're too boring!”

“That's just how winter is. Complaining about it won't help,” Luna said. “If you're really lucky, maybe you can find some mushrooms, but—“

“Blech. Nothing like that! I want something sweet!”

“There isn't any fruit or anything,” Star said. “Unless you can find some candy, you're kind of out of luck.”

Clownpiece huffed and slid her hands back behind her head, staring up into the sky. “What's candy?”

All three fairies stared at her in disbelief. She glanced between them, confused. “Well?”

“You've never had candy before?” Sunny asked.

“Nope. I think I heard some tortured souls scream about it once or twice, but I don't know what it is.”

“What did you eat for fun in Hell, then?” Luna asked.

“Huh? Well, sometimes Lady Hecatia would bring back tasty things from other parts of Hell. Like frozen screams! And crystals grown out of gluttons' blood!”

Luna frowned distastefully. “What kind of weird treats are those?!”

“They're good! They taste almost as good as the berries and things up here.” Clownpiece pushed herself up from the snow and pulled her legs under herself, sitting cross-legged to look between the other fairies. “What's so great about this candy stuff?”

“It's the best food there is!” Sunny exclaimed.

“It's sweeter than any fruit you've ever tasted!” Star said, clasping her hands together blissfully.

“It's pretty good,” Luna agreed.

“Huh... Well, give me some of that, then.”

Nobody budged. After a few seconds, Sunny said, “Well... you can only get it in the village. There's a candy store there, and we used to be able to sneak in and take some, but the owner got mad and made it really hard.”

Clownpiece sighed. “So what, we have to find money to buy it?”

“Or...!” Star downed the very last of the sake, then triumphantly slammed the empty bottle into the snow. “If stealing normal stuff is fun, that means that stealing something that's really hard to get to is probably _really_ fun, right?!”

* * *

Here we see more evidence for fairies' constant need for stimulation, but also, their lack of morals. Apart from certain magicians that I've had the misfortune to encounter, few humans would ever be so quick to embrace theft as the solution for such a simple problem.

However, while fairies show little concept of morality, they also don't actively try to act immoral, like some devils. Fairies frequently inflict theft, minor injuries, and humiliation on others in the pursuit of their entertainment. Rarely, however, are they inclined toward more serious crimes such as arson or murder.

If you are ever killed by a fairy, you may rest assured that it was an accident, and the fairy is just as surprised as you are.

* * *

Soon, the fairies had reconvened in their hideout, with a large sheet of paper spread on the table between them. “Okay, so...” Sunny leaned over it and drew a square in the middle. “This is what the candy shop looks like, right?”

“It's kind of a square,” Luna agreed.

“It has a roof,” Star said.

“No, this is what it looks like above! Like a map. It has a door, though.” With her tongue sticking out the corner of her mouth in concentration, Sunny labeled one side of the square 'DooR.'

The collected fairies nodded in agreement at this. Nobody bothered to point out the issues with her writing, but considering that none of them had formal education, I suppose it's a small miracle that she even managed such a basic word without assistance.

“Oh, there's that window we snuck in that one time!” Star said. Sunny wrote 'WiNDoW' near the shop's back corner, while Star frowned thoughtfully. “I don't think we can get in there anymore, though. He paid Marisa to put explosive magic stuff on it. Cirno tried to get in last autumn and she blew up.”

“We'll figure out how to get past it once we finish the map!” Sunny said. She sketched a rectangle in the middle of the square, labeled it 'cANDy,' then circled it for good measure.

“Why can't you just come in the front door?” Clownpiece asked.

“He can see the door from his chair,” Star said, and sighed. “The last time we tried sneaking in that way, he saw the door opening and caught us.”

“Caught _me_ , you mean,” Luna grumbled. “I thought he was going to exterminate me...”

“There's a dog too,” Star said. She grabbed the pencil from Sunny and added a circle labeled 'Dog' toward the front of the shop. “He likes humans, but he really hates fairies...”

“The candy cabinets are locked too,” Luna said. Star drew a little padlock on the 'cANDy' icon. 

“And even if we get past all that, we still can't let the shopkeeper see us...” Star said, and added a frowny face at the back of the store.

The fairies went quiet, looking over the diagram. Clownpiece glanced between the different items and summarized. “So, you have to sneak in through the door or make the window... not-explode-y, get rid of a dog, get rid of the human who owns the place, _and_ unlock the cabinets to get candy?”

“Uh-huh.”

Sunny drooped so hard that even her pigtails seemed to hang a little lower. “Yep.”

The collected fairies went back to staring at the diagram in silence.

“Well...” Luna said, after most of a minute had passed, “I think I know how to get rid of the dog, but it will be really scary. And we'll need some other food.”

Taking the pencil, she drew a fish outside of the window, with an arrow pointing to the dog.

“I think I know how we can get the window open too, but it's kind of mean...” Star said. She took the pencil next and drew a stick figure with Xs for eyes next to the window.

One by one, arrows and doodles were added to the paper. They worked late into the night, until a plan came together.

* * *

The fairies rose to begin their heist at dawn the next morning.

This may surprise those readers who are more familiar with other species of youkai. Unlike most youkai, fairies are not known for spending much time resting. They will sleep when they are tired, but as this cuts into their vital entertainment time, many of them will rise as soon as they are fully rested, or continue to play past nightfall to the detriment of their sleep schedule.

After a quick breakfast, the four fairies headed to a nearby lake and approached the house of an ice fairy, Cirno.

It is very rare for a fairy to build a dwelling, rather than choosing to inhabit a natural feature associated with their element, and Cirno's house demonstrated why. It was little more than a crudely-fashioned mound of snow with the inside scooped out. I say 'was' because it melted and collapsed by the end of the week, forcing her to make a new one. A sensible creature would take this as a hint to use sturdier building materials. Since Cirno isn't a sensible creature, she instead chooses to build new houses on a daily basis.

Cirno was outside when they arrived, standing on the edge of the lake's ice, glowering at the water and fluttering her wings as she exerted her powers. Bit by bit, the ice crept forward to extend farther over the lake.

The four fairies paused to watch this curiously. “What's she doing?” Clownpiece whispered to Sunny.

“I don't know,” Sunny whispered back, then raised her voice. “Hey, Cirno! What are you doing?”

Cirno stopped her work and glanced back at them. Realizing that she had an audience, she puffed up her chest. “I'm freezing the lake!” She gestured back toward the already-frozen area behind her. “See how much I've already done?”

“That seems like a really big waste of time...” Clownpiece said.

Star asked, “Wouldn't it just be easier to wait until it gets colder and the lake freezes the normal way?”

Cirno gave her a pitying look. “Maybe for wimps like you! Anybody can get a frozen lake by waiting for it to get cold. It's only impressive if you've gotta work for it!”

“Well, now we've got other stuff for you to do!” Clownpiece stepped to the front of the group and crossed her arms, staring Cirno down. “We've got big plans for today and we need a fish, so you should catch one for us.”

Cirno scowled back. “I don't see why I should help some dumb fairy who thinks she can boss me around.”

“Dumb fairy...?!” Clownpiece looked shocked for a moment, then set her expression, grinning a very smug grin. “I _can_ boss you around, because I can beat you up if you say no.”

“Hah! Everybody knows I'm the strongest fairy around.”

“I'm the strongest fairy in Hell, which means I'm a billion times stronger than some lousy earth fairy like you!”

Cirno clenched her fists at her sides and vibrated in anger. The ice around her crackled as a fresh layer of frost started spreading out from her. “What'd you say?!”

“I said that you're a lousy earth fairy.” Clownpiece grinned viciously and leaned in closer. “Now catch us a fish.”

* * *

I once employed a Tome of Aural Acquisition to tally every time that a fairy claimed to be the strongest fairy in the region. During the two-week observation period, this happened forty-six times, spoken by thirty-two different fairies.

Very little has been written on the organizational structure of groups of fairies. Fairies seem naturally inclined to follow the strongest fairy nearby... but since no fairy will admit to being weaker than another, this rarely accomplishes anything. Lacking a clear hierarchy, they instead get into long, obnoxious arguments. As fairies are practically incapable of talking without shouting, I assume they think that whoever shouts the loudest is the best at being a fairy. This hypothesis needs more research, but all currently available data supports it.

* * *

Before Clownpiece and Cirno could come to blows, Star stepped forward, clearing her throat to interrupt their argument. “You really are a _very_ strong fairy,” she told Cirno, her voice dripping with flattery. “Actually, we didn't come here to tell you what to do. We really want to make you an offer!”

“You do?” Cirno asked.

“We do?” Clownpiece asked.

“Uh-huh! Since we admire you so much, we made a plan to help you teach the humans to respect you!”

Cirno looked skeptical. “What is it?”

“Well... it's a really good idea. I don't know if I should just tell you.”

“What kinda dumb fairy says she has an idea for me then won't tell me?!”

“It's an idea that could make all the humans afraid of you. It would be pretty silly of me to tell it to you without asking for anything, don't you think?”

Cirno huffed and crossed her arms. “Well, then what do you want?”

“Um, hmm...” Star tapped her lips with a finger and pretended to be deep in thought. “I think I could tell you if you gave us a fish. That would be enough payment, don't you guys think?”

Star looked to the other three fairies, and they nodded in confused agreement. Cirno grinned. “A fish is easy! Watch this!”

Cirno bent over the edge of the ice, her eyes flitting side to side as she stared into the water's depths. Ten seconds passed in silence. She thrust her hands forward. With a tortured squeal, the water's surface contorted and thrust into the air, forming a meter-tall spike of ice. Near the tip, frozen in the center, was a bubble of water. Inside of that was a single carp, bumping into the walls of its tiny prison in confusion.

“There!” Cirno braced a foot on the spike and tugged on the tip. It snapped off, leaving the carp bubble in her hands, and she offered it over. “That's a pretty good fish, right? Now you've gotta tell me your idea.”

Star looked at the fish, pretending to give it heavy consideration, then gave a reluctant nod. “I guess a fish like that will work. In that case...” She leaned in and whispered to Cirno. Cirno's expression grew brighter and brighter throughout the exchange.

“Really?” Cirno asked, not even bothering to hide her grin.

“Really!”

“That's great! Those dumb humans won't even know what hit them!”

“That's right!”

“If I get in there, everybody will know I'm the strongest fairy there is!”

“Mmhm!”

“The strongest in Gensokyo!”

“Yep!”

Behind the pair, Clownpiece was glancing between her companions in disbelief. Sunny and Luna seemed mostly enraptured by the proceedings.

“So,” Star suggested sweetly, “why don't you go try that right now?”

“That's a dumb idea,” Cirno said. “First, I've gotta make a flag to plant so everybody knows it was me. _Then_ I'll do it! Just you wait!”

Cirno didn't even bother to say goodbye before she turned and rushed back into her house, only slipping and falling on the ice two times in the process. Once she was gone, Star scooped up her imprisoned fish and headed back toward the group.

“So what did you tell her?” Luna asked.

“Yeah, I'm kind of curious,” Clownpiece said.

“You'll find out pretty soon!” Star said. “Let's go find a good spot to watch the candy shop.”

* * *

On first glance, a reader might believe that the preceding scene proves that fairies are intellectually hopeless. After all, if they can easily catch fish whenever they want, why would they insist on stealing candy rather than simply cooking the fish?

This would be a mistake. Fairies are inventive, unpredictable, and resourceful. They are good at solving problems despite their limited abilities, and at finding endless new ways to make annoyances of themselves. Make no mistake about it: Fairies are not very intelligent.

But fairies are clever.

Furthermore, the previous observations should also be considered. Entertainment is paramount to a fairy. If given a choice between eating a delicious meal for free or stealing a loaf of stale bread, I would expect a significant percentage of fairies to opt for the bread.

* * *

After making the journey into the village, the four fairies settled in on the rooftop across from the candy store, with their imprisoned fish sitting between them.

The candy store was not a difficult landmark to find. Its architectural style matched the nearby buildings, but its proprietor, in an attempt to distinguish it, had posted a sign reading, 'CANDY,' above the doorway, written in garish pastels. Pictures of candy were scattered around it, for the significant portion of its clientele that couldn't read.

After a few minutes in silence, Clownpiece asked, “What are we waiting for?”

Star shushed her.

Not long afterward, Cirno descended from the sky and landed in an alley across the street, with a crude flag clenched in her hands. She snuck back to the rear corner of the candy shop, where a single window stood closed. After glancing side to side to make sure that nobody was watching her, she braced her feet on the ground, grabbed the window, and hefted it open.

The window had barely budged an inch before magical runes flared along its edges and a torrent of energy exploded out. Cirno gave a yelp of surprise, and was briefly visible only as a silhouette as the discharge hurled her across the alley. She slammed into the wall of the opposite building, rebounded most of the way back across the alley, and fell to the ground, lightly sizzling.

“There, now the traps are gone!” Star declared sunnily.

Luna was still staring at Cirno in shock. "What did you _tell_ her?"

"I just told her that he got rid of the traps, so she could sneak in through the window again. So, she tried it and set off the traps for us. Pretty convenient, right?"

The other fairies exchanged glances. "Is it just me," Clownpiece whispered, "or is this girl kind of scary?"

"Look who's talking." Luna rose from the rooftop, brushing the knees of her dress. "Come on, we still have a lot to do."

* * *

Among most species of youkai, convincing another individual to touch magical anti-youkai wards would be considered the highest form of betrayal. This, of course, is an illustration of fairies' lack of morality, but it also reinforces another hypothesis I have long held: Fairies are without proper respect for death or peril.

A fairy whose form is destroyed, through anything except the most thorough extermination techniques, will always reappear, as long as the natural forces that birthed her remain. As such, while fairies will show fear of danger, they don't carry themselves with anywhere near the gravitas that a human might in similar circumstances. A fairy will risk her life for a bottle of sake if it sounds sufficiently entertaining, and fairies rarely let a comrade's injuries concern them for more than a few minutes. Within fairy society, the sort of trick that Star employed here could be considered little more than a rude prank.

Cirno survived anyway. After laying in the alley for forty seconds, she revived and flew off, swearing vengeance. By mid-afternoon, she seemed to have already forgotten about the incident and returned to freezing her lake.

Arcane theoreticians have suggested that a bored fairy's attention span may in fact be the shortest unit of time possible.


	2. Chapter 2

“So, I've kind of been wondering,” Sunny said, as the fairies settled into an alley across the street from the candy shop. “Why did you want a fish?”

“It's bait. Stand back.” Luna hefted the chunk of ice overhead and activated her powers, muffling the sound around them. She smashed the ice into the ground, and the clattering shards didn't make the slightest reverberation. Then, she allowed the sounds of the daytime village to filter back in.

The fish was left flopping impotently on the ground. Luna scooped it up and shoved it into Clownpiece's arms. Clownpiece's entire body jerked side to side as she struggled to contain the thrashing creature. “Why are you giving it to me?! I don't want this thing!”

“Just hold it still for a second!” Luna said, patting her pockets until she found a short length of rope.

“What kind of weird animal _is_ this?!”

“Don't you have fish in hell?” Sunny asked.

“No! This thing looks like Leviathan!”

“What's a Leviathan?” Star asked.

“He's a really powerful demon prince!”

“Well...” Sunny glanced thoughtfully between Clownpiece's face and the fish. “This is just a normal fish. It shouldn't be any trouble for a fairy, right?”

Luna tied the rope around the fish's middle, then pulled it tight. Taking the other end, she lifted it and let the fish thrash in the air, bobbing back and forth like a drunken pendulum. “There. Now, follow me.”

Under the combined cover of Sunny and Luna's abilities, the four fairies crossed their street and made their way up to the candy shop's roof. A few centimeters at a time, Luna let out rope to lower the fish toward the still-open window.

“So it's bait for the dog, right?” Star asked.

“Right,” Luna said. She smiled, apparently appreciating that somebody else had realized her plan. “If we lower it from up here, we can get the dog to jump out the window, but he can't get to us.”

“Whoa,” Clownpiece said. “That's pretty smart.”

“It really is!” Sunny leaned over the edge of the roof and frowned at the fish. “But it's just sitting there flopping around. Why isn't the dog coming?”

“He'll have to notice it sooner or later, right? Dogs eat this kind of thing.”

Sunny hesitated. “Do they?”

“I always thought dogs ate cats,” Clownpiece said.

“I don't think they do,” Star said.

“Then why do they chase them?!”

“I don't know, but dogs eat gophers and squirrels and things.”

“They could eat those _and_ cats.”

“Some of them _might_ eat cats, but it's mostly squirrels.”

“The point is, they eat cats!”

“Mostly they eat fairies who won't shut up,” Luna grumbled. The two suspended their argument for the moment.

“Oh!” Star perked up and glanced at the roof beneath her. “It's coming!”

“You can tell?” Clownpiece asked.

“Uh-huh! I can sense the vibrations. Whatever is coming has four feet.”

“Star's ability is really convenient like that!” Sunny exclaimed.

“Why are you the one bragging about—“

Star was cut off, as the dog lunged out the window.

The dog that lived in the candy shop was not a small animal. It was tall enough _to_ lunge out a window, for example. It was an immense, shaggy creature, part wolf and possibly part bull, with jaws that could wrap around a melon. In the right light, one could mistake it for a small bear, or perhaps a locomotive that had developed a fur coat and carnivorous tendencies.

Luna just barely managed to jerk the fish away as its massive jaws snapped shut in the air.

"What _is_ that thing?!" Clownpiece shrieked.

"His name is Tiger," Star said, not daring to take her eyes off the window below.

"They say he ate five fairies once," Luna whispered.

“In _one bite_ ,” Sunny added, in a voice of terrified awe.

Quivering nervously, Luna tested her luck again, leaning farther over the edge of the roof and letting out more rope. The fish flopped in impotent terror as it was lowered toward the window again.

Tiger lunged again, resting his paws on the windowsill to snap at the fish. Luna squeaked and jerked it back.

"You're close!" Star said.

"Just a little more!" Sunny said.

Luna leaned as far over the edge as she could and lowered the fish one final time. This time Tiger took the bait, leaping out the window and snapping his jaws closed around the fish in a single motion.

As gravity is inclined to do in such circumstances, he then continued to fall until he landed on the ground. The rope was pulled along with him, and along with that, Luna.

“H-hey!” Luna was launched forward and left balancing precariously on the edge of the roof, tugging back against the rope. The other three fairies rushed forward to hold her in place.

Below, Tiger snapped at the fish, pulling it—and the end of the rope—more firmly into his mouth. In the process, he tugged on it, and Luna gave a yelp of surprise as she was jerked farther forward, left leaning over the alley.

"Hold on, Luna!" Sunny said. All three fairies braced themselves and tugged her back from the precipice.

That was their first mistake.

Tiger's eyes turned up toward the roof. He took the tug on the rope as a challenge and growled, a low seismic rumble, and pulled back in retaliation. Squealing, the fairies were sent stumbling forward again, until Luna was jutting out over the alley at a forty-five degree angle.

“Hold on!” Sunny said. “On the count of three, pull her back, okay? One...”

“Hey, guys?” Star said. “I just realized—“

“... two...”

“—why are we still holding onto the—“

“... three!”

Sunny and Clownpiece braced themselves and heaved backward. It was an admirable effort, and they pulled Luna most of a meter, from leaning over the edge to standing firmly atop the roof.

In return, Tiger braced himself and tugged backward with all of his might. Sunny, Clownpiece, and Luna all went tumbling over the edge.

Star simply let go, and watched wide-eyed as the crazed beast ran off, with her three comrades screaming and bouncing at the end of the rope behind it.

The fairies' second mistake was not letting go of the rope.

* * *

Out of sheer necessity, the durability of fairies is one of the most thoroughly-studied phenomena in nature. There is barely a culture on Earth that doesn't have its own rituals for warding or exterminating troublesome fairies. These rituals are, of course, all spiritual or arcane in origin.

Fairies are no less immune against physical damage than any other youkai. One can stab a fairy with a pitchfork and attack them with an axe while they are down—and indeed, many frustrated farmers have tried that—and while the fairy will by no means enjoy this experience, she will heal the damage within a day at worst.

So, for example, if a fairy is dragged for half a kilometer before being dislodged against a rock, set upon by an outraged dog, and shaken like a rag doll by the head before the beast grows tired and wanders off, the only permanent harm will be to her ego.

When observing a spectacle like this, I recommend settling in with a light selection of snacks, because it may take a while.

* * *

Forty-five minutes after they had been dragged off, Clownpiece, Sunny, and Luna straggled back to the candy shop under the protection of Sunny's light manipulation. Their clothes were torn and dusty, their hair was a mess, and Clownpiece's hat had been lost somewhere in the journey, to the great relief of my eyes.

Star was waiting for them on a nearby rooftop, humming to herself and eating an apple. "Oh, you're back!"

"We're back." Sunny's wings fluttered weakly as she slumped down to the rooftop. 

"I was starting to wonder if that dog ate you."

"Only a little," Luna groaned, sprawled on the roof next to her.

"Dogs are even scarier than oni," Clownpiece moaned.

"Huh..." Star glanced over the three of them and took another bite of her apple. "Well, while you were out, I found somebody drying their clothes outside and stole an outfit for the next step!”

“The next step?” Clownpiece asked.

“Right. Somebody needs to disguise themselves as a human, right?”

“Oh!” Sunny bolted up to sitting. “That's right! Even if it chewed us up, we got the dog out of the store! We can still keep going!”

"Why do we need to disguise ourselves as humans though?" Clownpiece asked.

"The owner keeps all the candy inside a big case, and he locks it whenever he leaves the store," Luna said. Miraculously, the fairies seemed to have forgotten about their injuries now that new entertainment was beckoning.

"And he keeps the key inside his pocket," Sunny said. "So even if I'm invisible, it's really hard to steal the key unless he's distracted."

“So that's why we need you to pretend to be a human and talk to him!” Star said. “Then Sunny will steal the key while he's paying attention to you.”

Clownpiece froze, her eyes going wide in terror. "W-what?! Why me?!"

"Well, nobody else can turn invisible, so it can't be me," Sunny said.

"He recognizes me and Star, too," Luna said. "It probably wouldn't work if it was us."

"Just how many times have you stolen from this guy?"

"Umm..." Star started counting on her fingers, then gave up with an expansive shrug. "A few! Anyway..." She crouched down and lifted up the stolen outfit. "Let's get started!"

Clownpiece backed away. “I've barely even talked to humans! What am I supposed to say?!”

“Anything is fine! If you can get him to crouch down, that makes it even easier to steal the key.”

“But it's a store, and I don't have any money!”

“I'm sure you'll think of something.”

Clownpiece backed away again, but now Sunny and Luna advanced to hold her from behind. Smiling, Star descended upon her, clothes in hand.

* * *

“Why'd it have to be me?” Clownpiece whined to herself, tugging uncomfortably at her clothes as she walked down the street. A passing pedestrian gave her an uncertain look, and Clownpiece glared at her, tugging on her eyes and sticking out her tongue. The woman hurried on.

The outfit that Star had grabbed for her was a simple yukata, probably somebody's evening clothes. It was slightly too large for her, threatening to trip her up with every step. They'd failed to find the sash to go with it, and instead used the remains of the heavily-chewed rope, still doubtlessly smelling of fish. She'd hidden her wings under the outfit, and while they were flexible enough to take the stress, they poked up just enough to give her lumpy shoulders.

"I don't even know why we have to do all this stuff anyway. In Hell I'd just beat up the dumb human and take whatever I want."

Still grumbling to herself, Clownpiece opened the door to the candy shop. Then, she froze and stared in amazement.

A sturdy glass-and-wood display case divided the room into two. It contained more refined sugar than the rest of the region combined: Gumdrops, head-sized lollipops, licorice, peppermints, and other assorted sweets in a rainbow of colors. They were in quantities best measured in buckets, more than even a particularly gluttonous fairy could eat in a month.

Behind the counter was the proprietor of the shop.

Before I continue, I should speak in defense of the shopkeeper. Some readers might think his use of magical wards to be excessive, and it would be irresponsible of me to hurt his reputation. According to my employer's maid, who makes infrequent visits to the store in question, he is a good-natured man who opened the shop as a way to bring happiness to the local children. It is said that the local youkai have an unofficial agreement to not interfere with his store or the routes by which he receives his sugar, as his work is considered a public good.

Fairies, having no sense of propriety, do not honor such agreements. In the years before escalating his security, he suffered eleven incidents of candy theft at their collective hands. I can't think poorly of him for doing his best to prevent incident number twelve.

He was a tall, bony man with a cane, leaning forward in his seat and looking out over the shop with squinting eyes. His poor eyesight was likely the only reason that he didn't see through the poor disguise in front of him. “Ahh, good morning!” he said. “What are you in the mood for today, young lady?”

Clownpiece slowly approached the case of sweets, in the same manner that one might normally reserve for a divine relic. It was another few seconds before she managed to string words together. “Um...!” She stared at him in blank panic as she scrambled to piece together a lie. “I'm the... the... candy inspector!”

“The candy inspector, hmm?” He nodded along with the lie. “Well, that sounds pretty important indeed.”

“That's right!” Clownpiece thrust a finger up at him. “A pitiful huma—er, guy like you doesn't stand a chance against somebody like me!”

“There's no need to be rude, missy. Now, what did you come here for, miss candy inspector?”

At the back of the store, the window had been closed, and now it silently opened again. The slightest distortion passed through it as Sunny and Luna slipped inside.

Clownpiece watched this for a moment before remembering her mission. “I'm here to... inspect your candy, obviously.”

“Sounds pretty important, pretty important.” He pushed himself to standing, cradling his hip sorely. “Well then, which candy do you want to inspect first?”

The distortion crept along the floor, until the two infiltrating fairies disappeared behind the display case.

Clownpiece looked over the heaps of candy. She seemed fascinated by the colors and endlessly conflicted. He didn't rush her. “I'll have... that one!” She pointed imperiously at the bin of lollipops.

“Ahh, fine choice if I say so myself. That will be two hundred yen.”

Clownpiece froze. She did not have money, after all. “I'm here to _inspect_ the candy, not buy it! You don't pay for an inspection!”

The shopkeeper had been reaching toward the display case, but now hesitated, studying Clownpiece's face. “You don't have any money on you, do you?”

“... huh?”

“Parents these days.” He shook his head with a sigh and gave her a knowing smile. “Said they couldn't afford it?”

“Um. Er. … that's right?”

“I'll tell you what. I get a dozen kids in here trying stuff like this every week, but 'candy inspector' is the best one I've heard in a while. I think such a good performance deserves some reward, don't you?”

Clownpiece remained speechless, looking completely baffled by this turn of events. The shopkeeper crouched down with the creaking of leathery joints and opened one of the bins. Working at a slow, deliberate pace, he scooped out a handful of gumdrops, then poured them into a wax paper bag. While he worked, his front pocket deformed ever-so-slightly as Sunny invisibly fished the key out of it.

The shopkeeper straightened up and offered the bag of gumdrops to Clownpiece. “Here you go, kid. Just don't tell your friends, alright?” He smiled. “I do have to get paid _occasionally_ if I'm going to stay in business.”

Clownpiece stared at the bag of candy as if it were a ticking bomb. “W-well, I, um...”

“Go on,” he said. “It's a present.”

Slowly, Clownpiece stretched a trembling hand toward the bag.

Sunny grabbed her other hand and yanked Clownpiece backward into her light distortion field. In a split second, she vanished from sight with a startled gasp. The shopkeeper was left squinting around the room, bewildered. The only remaining sign of his missing patron was a brief blurring of the light as the three fairies climbed back out the window.

* * *

The shopkeeper was, in my opinion, lucky that Clownpiece didn't have a chance to take his gift.

Many cultures have traditions of offering food, drink, or money to fairies. It is typically believed that by doing so, one may earn the local fairies' friendship, and thus avoid any misfortune at their hands. This is halfway correct, in my experience. Giving fairies gifts is a practical way to befriend them. Unfortunately, this means that you have now befriended a _fairy_. This confers few benefits, unless you enjoy being woken up by unexpected guests having a food fight in your pantry at three AM.

* * *

“Why did you pull me away?!” Clownpiece shouted. Sunny was tugging her across the street, regardless of the fact that she didn't seem at all enthusiastic about following. Only Luna's sound-dampening ability prevented her from alerting half of the village to their presence.

“Huh?” Sunny glanced back. “What do you mean?”

"He was trying to give me candy! I almost had it!"

"He _was_ giving her candy," Luna said. "I pointed that out to you before you grabbed her, but you weren't listening."

“Well, whatever!” Sunny released Clownpiece's hand as they entered the alley across from the store, allowing the three to become visible again. "Once we finish this, you'll have way more than one little bag of candy! You'll have, um.” She frowned for a moment as she searched for an appropriate metaphor. “... a lot of bags!”

Star hovered down to join the others. “Did you get the key?”

“Yep!” Sunny thrust it into the air, glinting in the light. “Now all we need is for that place to be empty, and we can get all the candy we want!”

"Yeah!" Luna shouted.

"That's right!" Star exclaimed.

"... how do we do that?" Clownpiece asked.

The other three fairies hesitated, glancing to one another uncertainly. "We just wait," Sunny said.

"You wait?"

"He leaves for lunch pretty soon!" Luna said.

“Then we'll have the whole store to ourselves for a while!” Star said.

Clownpiece looked at them skeptically. “If this candy stuff is so good, why's he going somewhere else to eat? Wouldn't he just eat the candy for lunch?”

The three others considered this. “Humans are really weird like that,” Luna said, in a very serious tone of voice. The other two nodded along with her.

“Well, still. I don't see why we have to wait for him.” Clownpiece straightened up, with a vicious smile spreading on her face. "I could drive him mad, and then threaten him with my torch until he offers us all the candy we want!"

“You shouldn't talk about stuff like that," Luna said. "Reimu will exterminate you for sure.”

Clownpiece huffed and crossed her arms. "Everybody does it in Hell. Scaring humans helps them work off bad karma, so it's kind of like helping them out!"

"You're kind of scary sometimes... Anyway, just get comfy and wait."

Fairies, of course, are terrible at waiting. Within five minutes, all four of them had lost their patience for it. Sunny was the first, after finding a piece of chalk in her pocket and discovering that it could write on the adjacent building's roofing tiles. In the following half-hour, Clownpiece and Sunny got into a wrestling match over the rights to use the chalk, only for both of them to end up temporarily too exhausted to stop Luna from taking it. Luna used it to draw a hopscotch board on the rooftop, but all four fairies soon discovered that they had no idea how to play hopscotch, and instead settled for dropping pebbles on the heads of passing humans.

An hour later, the shopkeeper stepped out his front door on the way to lunch.

Under the cover of their combined powers, the four fairies snuck back across the street. This time, with nobody left inside to observe them, they headed straight in the front door.

On the way in, Sunny grabbed the 'CLOSED FOR LUNCH' sign from the wall. As soon as they were inside, she slammed it victoriously onto the floor. "We're open for business!"

"Yeah!" Clownpiece shouted.

Luna hurried over to the display case and crouched down to inspect the contents. "What should we eat first?"

"I want a lollipop," Star said. She'd already moved into position behind the case, and now peeked over the top. "Can I have the key?"

"Here you go." Sunny gave it an underhanded toss, and Star snatched it out of the air. After unlocking the case, she tugged one of the bins out, revealing a heaping mound of peppermints.

The other three fairies drifted in to gawk. 

“Wow...” Luna thrust her arm into the pile of candy until it had disappeared past the elbow.

"There are probably a billion pieces of candy in there," Sunny said.

"It's more candy than I've ever seen before!" Star looked to Clownpiece. "You should try one! That's what we're here for, right?"

“Right, yeah...” Clownpiece reached slowly for the candy, with the other three watching her, beaming in excitement. The room went quiet as she pinched one between her fingers and held it up for inspection. “It's pretty, I'll give it that.”

“Just wait until you taste—“

Sunny went silent, freezing in place as the sound of footsteps came from the front door. “Hello?” a voice called. “Mister Takeda, are you open?”

Clownpiece jolted upright in surprise and the candy went flying, clattering across the floor. The light through the doorway dimmed as a figure approached from outside.

“Run!” Luna squeaked.

The fairies scattered. Clownpiece scrambled into the backroom of the store. Star, Sunny, and Luna, for some reason, threw open a cabinet behind the counter. Bowls, measuring cups, and other candy-making equipment spilled out, but the three clambered through the avalanche to squeeze themselves inside.

They closed the door behind themselves a moment before a woman stepped through the doorway. She lingered in the threshold, peering around for the source of the noise. “Mister Takeda?”

In the darkness of the cabinet, Sunny shot Star an accusing look. "Why weren't you looking out for humans?!" she whispered.

"Why did you take the 'closed' sign off the front of the store?!" Star hissed back.

"Shut up!" Luna shrank down against the floor of the cabinet, like she was hoping to melt out of view. "She's coming closer."

The footsteps approached, as the woman approached the display case to look over the fallen bowls and peek into the back room. “I heard something fall, is everything alright?”

“She isn't going away...” Sunny whined.

Luna gave her a gentle shove, making the entire cabinet rattle. "Go get rid of her!"

"Why me?!"

"It's your fault she came in here in the first place!"

"Yeah, but...!"

Sunny was cut off, as Luna braced herself against the floor of the cabinet and shoved forward. Sunny tumbled backward, blowing through the cabinet doors to tumble across the floor. Star soon fell after her with a squeak of surprise. The two had barely hit the floor before Luna lunged forward, grabbed the doors, and slammed them shut around herself again.

“Hey, Luna!” Sunny scrambled back to her feet to pound on the cabinet. “Let us in!”

“... what are you doing in here?”

Sunny whirled around. The woman who had entered the store was now standing on the other side of the counter, looking uncertainly at the two fairies. “Um,” Sunny said. “Uh!”

“We're new employees,” Star said, so smoothly that it almost sounded convincing. “Is there anything we can help you with?”

Sunny took a few seconds to catch on. “O-oh, right! Employees! That's us!”

“Employees...” The woman looked over them again. “But you're fairies.”

“Right, but—!” Star began, only for Sunny to cut her off.

“We're not fairies! We're shopkeeper youkai! You've probably never seen one before. We're _really_ rare.”

The woman raised an eyebrow. “Shopkeeper youkai?”

“We pop up when, um, a shopkeeper bites somebody.”

“A cursed shopkeeper. On the night of a full moon,” Star hurriedly added.

"Today's our first day, so please don't tell him we made a mess!" Sunny stepped forward and nudged some of the fallen equipment back toward the cabinet with her foot. "Can we help you find anything?"

The woman glanced from the fairy, to the fallen bowls on the floor, to the 'CLOSED FOR LUNCH' sign laying by the door. She took a step away from the counter. "Actually, I don't think so..."

"Ah, hey, come back! You want to buy some candy, right?"

"No thank you...!" The woman took another step away, and as Sunny scrambled forward to convince her to stay, instead turned and ran toward the door as quickly as her outfit would let her. Within seconds, she disappeared through the doorway, leaving the fairies once again alone inside the store.

* * *

Why do fairies lie?

The question is a confounding one. In a literature review, my assistants found two hundred forty-six records of fairies lying to humans or other youkai; only thirty-nine of these incidents ended favorably for the fairies, and only in seven of them did the other party truly seem to believe the fairy's lies. At face value, it would seem that fairies take to lying with the natural grace and aplomb of a horse trying astrophysics, and should have little inclination to try it.

One hypothesis is that it arises from the root of many fairy behaviors, entertainment. Spinning a lie is more amusing than simply fleeing when caught, or stealing from a human without trickery. A fairy who successfully lies to a human also has one more accomplishment to boast about.

Alternatively, it could be that fairies lack the self-awareness to realize how incompetent they are at lying, as with most things, and continue doing it regardless.

* * *

Luna looked despondent as she climbed out of her cabinet hiding spot. "She's going to tell the other humans we're here. She's going to tell the other humans and Reimu's going to come exterminate us!"

Clownpiece peeked out from the doorway to the back room. “That shrine maiden is crazy tough. I really don't want to fight her again.”

"We didn't hurt any humans," Star said. "At worst she'll yell at us a lot."

"That's still pretty bad," Sunny said, shuddering. “We should grab as much candy as we can carry and get out of here!”

“Hey, guys?” Star said. “Look at this!”

She crouched down behind the counter and braced herself, heaving a sturdy wooden box out from beneath it. She'd already stuck the key into its lock, and now opened the top to show off the contents.

Piled within were the shop's earnings for the day, easily three thousand yen.

The fairies stared at it for a moment, their faces lighting up in smiles one by one. Luna glanced to the others. “Are you guys thinking what I'm thinking?”

Sunny met her expression, looking just as excited. “If we fill it with candy, we can take way more than we could carry with just our hands!”

“Exactly!” Star upended the box and dumped the money on the floor, then sat it next to the candy bins. She pulled a double-handful of licorice from one and dumped it into the box. “Hurry up, before more humans get here!”

* * *

It should be noted that fairies do understand the value of money, especially the ones who can actually count. However, fairies are creatures of impulse, and have little concept of delayed gratitude. A fairy, in my experience, would rather have a toy worth ten yen now than a two thousand yen bill in an hour. This must, of course, be weighed against fairies' other motivations. If stealing money from a human seems like an interesting diversion, that may be enough to make them value it over some other short-term goal.

With this in mind, I've found money to be a very poor motivator when negotiating with fairies. I have achieved better results with pastries, shiny objects, and threats of violence.

* * *

The fairies didn't stop stuffing candy into the box until it was so full that Clownpiece and Luna had to stomp on the lid in order to close it. The resulting load was heavy enough that it required two of them to carry it, and a third to help heft it up to the height of the window.

“Do you think that human's still outside?” Clownpiece asked.

“Hold on,” Sunny said. “I'll go check.”

Sunny faded from view and pulled herself out the window, landing on the alley floor with a thud. A few seconds later, she peeked over the edge, fully visible again. “The coast is clear! Hurry up, let's get out of here!”

Luna, Clownpiece, and Star cooperated to shove the box out the window, then carefully eased it down until Sunny could just balance it by herself. Star slipped outside and helped transfer it over. After a few minutes of work, they'd managed to maneuver it outside.

“So, what now?” Luna asked, straining under the shared weight of the box.

“It's a really long walk back to you guys' tree,” Clownpiece said. “Are we really going to carry this giant thing all the way there?”

“That's true. Hmm...” Sunny eyed the box. “We could hide it somewhere.”

“Like a buried treasure!” Star said.

“We don't have shovels, though...” Luna said.

“That's even better!” Sunny said. “Nobody's ever heard of a _not_ -buried treasure! They won't even think to look for it!”

At this point, I feel like it would be informative to give some background information on another participant in these events, Tiger the dog. To my understanding, most of the fairies' comments about him are true. He was, in fact, trained by the shopkeeper to particularly hate fairies, baited as a puppy into attacking pieces of fairy-scented cloth until he learned to associate the smell with hatred. While it is doubtful that he once “ate five fairies [. . .] in one bite” as they asserted, I like to think that he gave it his best attempt.

Whether out of malice or pure serendipity, though, Tiger now appeared in the mouth of the alley, freshly returned from hours of enjoying his newfound freedom.

One by one, the fairies noticed this new intruder and went still.

"Sunny," Luna whispered. "We're invisible, right?"

"Right. ... and you made it so he can't hear us, right?"

"Right."

The fairies didn't dare to budge. Tiger lowered his nose and sniffed the alley floor. His tail began to wag.

Clownpiece shifted uneasily. “Can Earth dogs smell as good as hellhounds?”

“You have dogs in Hell?” Star asked.

"Mostly just Cerberus. He's a lot scarier than this wimpy Earth dog." Even so, Clownpiece eased as far away from him as she could without dropping her corner of the box. "He's three meters tall and has three heads."

“If he has three heads, how do they decide which one gets to eat stuff?” Sunny wondered out loud.

Tiger sniffed his way down the alley until he was a few meters away, then paused. He looked up, staring past the invisible fairies, and a low growl rose in his throat.

“Let's walk away really slow,” Luna said. “Okay?”

“Okay,” Star whispered back.

The fairies took a careful step backward. Tiger took another step toward them.

“A-ah, um, nice doggy.” Sunny raised a placating hand toward him. Tiger leaned closer and sniffed at it, his nose now centimeters from her fingers, and he bared his teeth.

Star shrieked, “Run!”

The fairies fell into disorder. Star and Clownpiece turned and took off at a sprint, dropping their end of the box. Most of the remaining weight fell to Luna, bowling her over and nearly crushing her. Sunny was so startled that her invisibility faltered, revealing the entire group.

Snarling and howling, Tiger leapt upon the hapless fairies.

The box of candy fell to the alley floor and smashed into splinters, scattering its contents in an explosion of color.

* * *

The fairies' canine-delivered karmic retribution lasted for half an hour. When it ended, they were halfway across the village from the candy store. In an unspoken agreement, they turned and slouched back toward home.

They were a defeated and broken group. Clownpiece had lost a stocking during the scuffle, Sunny's skirt was ripped in half and hanging on by a thread, Luna had lost both of her shoes, one of Star's wings was bent, and each one of them was covered in scrapes, bruises, and bite marks. Such injuries would leave a human nearly bedridden for days; on fairies, they had already started rapidly healing, but they were still moaning and groaning, each one trying to prove that her own misery was the weightiest.

"This sucks," Sunny groaned.

"A dog that big is just cheating," Luna grumbled.

"We didn't even get any candy out of it," Star sighed.

"I _still_ haven't had any candy," Clownpiece said. She gave a pebble a dejected kick. It ricocheted off a tree along the path and came back to smack her in the thigh, drawing a muttered stream of insults from her. Even the landscape had turned on her.

“I think he ate my sock,” Sunny said.

"He _did_ eat my hat that first time," Clownpiece said, rubbing sorely at her leg. "I watched him."

"I've still got dog fur in my mouth," Star said.

"I think I've got rocks in my hat," Luna said. Grumbling, she took it off and gave it a few good shakes to dislodge them.

Rather than rocks, four gumdrops fell to the ground.

Clownpiece drew to a stop alongside her. Star and Sunny soon looked backward and caught a glimpse of them, too. Soon, all four fairies were gathered in a circle, staring down at the candies wide-eyed and agape.

"Are there any more?!" Sunny snatched Luna's hat out of her hands and gave it a smack, but no more candy fell out.

"How did they get there?" Clownpiece asked.

"They must have rolled in while that dog had me pinned to the ground, and I didn't notice when I put it back on," Luna said. Almost reverently, she crouched down and grabbed a gumdrop. The other three fairies followed suit.

"They're probably still _mostly_ clean," Sunny reasoned.

"I wash my hair every day," Luna said, sounding just a bit defensive. "They should taste fine."

"They're just a little dusty," Star said.

Instead of responding, Clownpiece simply popped her gumdrop into her mouth. The others watched expectantly, and they didn't have to wait long. Her eyes widened, followed by a low squeal of delight in her throat. “M-mmh!” A grin spread on her face. “Whoa! It's delicious!”

“They're great, aren't they?!” Star asked, and popped her own into her mouth.

“It's super-sweet! The sweetest thing I ever tasted!”

“Candy is the best,” Luna agreed, past a mouthful of her own.

The fairies went quiet, grinning in satisfaction as they finished off their candy. Since they each had a single piece, this barely took a few seconds. Even so, afterward, they were left looking entirely satisfied with themselves, their earlier injuries temporarily forgotten.  
“Even after all of that, we still managed to steal some candy!” Sunny said.

“Heh. Of course! That dumb human should have known better than to try keeping me out!” Clownpiece whirled back toward the village, shaking a fist at it. “I'm the mighty hell fairy, C—“ The last of her gumdrop got stuck in her throat, and she trailed off, coughing and sputtering. “... Clownpiece.”

The other three were unaffected by her coughing fit, taking this as the most inspirational speech they'd ever seen. “Yeah! That will teach him to mess with fairies!” Sunny shouted.

“If we can steal from a heavily-guarded place like that, there's probably nowhere in Gensokyo we can't get into...!” Star said.

“Maybe tomorrow we can try the sake brewery!” Luna said.

Excited and reenergized, the fairies continued shouting suggestions until they were back to their tree.

* * *

**Conclusion**

While fairies are capricious and impulsive, it would be a mistake to dismiss them as entirely unpredictable. I maintain that most fairy behavior can be understood as arising from their need for constant stimulation, lack of self-preservation instincts, and disregard for social conventions. There are novel behaviors that this model does not adequately explain, but I am confident that more observations will only expand, not refute, it. As fairy studies have gotten little attention from serious scholars, I hope that these observations will help to motivate further research in this long-neglected field.

Additionally, further research is warranted on the deterrence value of large dogs.


End file.
